What a difference a day makes. The catharsis of writing it down. Of putting my great hurt on the page. Having been welcomed into the loving arms of dear friends. A gentle touch when words fail. Being reminded that pity parties serve a purpose but I still have work to do. I am again filled with hope. I said my fuck yous and when I opened my eyes this morning the sun was once again shining.
So here it is, my pledge to myself. This will be the year of grace.
We don’t all come to grace naturally. For some of us it is a learned behavior. I love hard. I love big. I can’t help it. I don’t have speeds, I just have an on and off switch. I fill a room because of it. I have tried to dial it back, but in those instances, I fear denying who I am has precluded me from truly engaging. That doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t continue to strive to be my best self, but rather, that I must learn to forgive myself for what I am not. Know that I long to be a thoughtful, careful, even person, but it simply isn’t my nature. To those that dwell in the deep end with me, know that it is just as scary sometimes to love you as it can be to be loved by me. I know that my friendship asks of you what you are sometimes incapable or unwilling to give. Know that I understand this and only call you to be authentic with me. Though I can’t be anyone other than who I am, I can hear when I am too much. It doesn’t hurt to hear that anymore than hearing that I am not tall enough. Or that my eyes aren’t blue. It is my truth and I own it. You have to know how much it means to be loved in spite of it. I take up two seats in the movie of life. I require a lap belt extension when traveling on this path, but that doesn’t mean that you should take up less space because of it. If my big fat personality is stepping on your just right one, say the word and I’ll do my best to move.
I think I’ve learned my best lessons when someone has challenged me to really see them. It hasn’t always been pretty, but most times the result was a gift that I didn’t know that I wanted. When I see you as you really are, it forces me to honor you.
Meaningful relationships ask something of us. I will do my best to answer that question with as much grace as I can muster.
Alright 2015 let’s do this.