Nothing is more unsettling than an uncertain future. We plan and god laughs. I suppose there should be a sense of security in the fact that there is much out of our control. An understanding that we should be freed by the things we are powerless to change. That may work for those struggling to dig themselves out of addiction. Those charged with living one day at a time. I am not lucky enough to be able to dwell solely in the here and now. I’m a planner. I’m a plan “b” person. In somethings my planning reaches the middle of the alphabet. I’m an inventory taker. A puzzle piece player. It doesn’t allow for much internal calm, but we are who we are. I find it amusing that I can name the things about me I would like to change. I can strive hard to be calm waters. Yet still I am grade 4 rapids.
Perhaps I should welcome the water as it rushes over me. Me the rock. Finding what benefit I offer to the ecosystem. Maybe this is where I should find grace in what can not be changed. I’m going to plan. I’m going to worry. It is who I am.
To worry about worrying seems unproductive. To plan not to plan ridiculous.
I take a deep cleansing breath. To give myself a break. To find calm where I can. To own my rockiness. To see its benefit. There are train riders. There are train conductors. There are map makers.
I strive to own my job in this world.