coochie coo

so, sometimes life is a small town can really come back to bite you in the ass.  when you’re me, it can feel like you prowling for ways to be bitten. 

i looked at my calendar and realized that i had a date with a pap smear today.  trust me i didn’t lay out the party dress and pearls the night before.  instead, i nibbled my fingernails to the quick and paced the floor.  finally taking 2 tylenol pm (don’t worry not from the recalled batch)to just make my brain stop.  
i guess i have to give you the back story….it’s the one time i lament having stirred the pot.  i know my gynecologist….socially.  our kids have the same birthday and go to the same school.  we go to the same gym.  this year, we were at a fund raiser together.  it was one of those affairs where you go to a “place” for an auction of sorts and then you break up into dinner groups at various peoples homes.  i don’t want to give the impression that when i have too much to drink i lose all sense of right and wrong, because that simply isn’t the case.  i have a tricky filter that disappears a)if i have one glass of wine b)if i have an audience that is amused by me.  so we get to the house of our host and we’re milling.  suddenly i find myself with my second glass of wine and a couple of people i barely know who are still amused by me because they haven’t discovered what an asshole i am….yet!
the doctor joins are group.  she’s not standing there for 5 minutes before i say, rather loudly, “she’s seen my vagina”.  she promptly walks away.  i’d like to say that we were having a conversation about girl parts, but i don’t remember.  the truth of the matter is, i’m a dick…an inappropriate dick at that.
i wake up the next morning knowing full well what it is that i have to do.  i send her and email on facebook, because i’m classy like that. really, if you’ve learned nothing else thus far, it’s that i’m one classy bitch.  
 i think i said something like…i’d like to apologize for my behavior last night.  i’d like to be able to blame it on the alcohol, but the truth of the matter is that i’m just a jerk.  she politely accepted my apology. 
 i hadn’t really talked to her other than to say hi at the gym, so today was going to be the test.  all when well.  it wasn’t until i got back to my car that it occurred to me that if you are staring at cooch all day, you probably have to have a good sense of humor.

20 responses to “coochie coo”

  1. Matt Rieker

    I have the same issue with my filter. My wife is generally horrified and convinced that you guys won’t want to hangout with us anymore. I hope she’s wrong, cause I like to make a spectacle of myself sometimes.

  2. EH Shuba

    no worries, we enjoy you both too much to kick you to the curb.  plus i like knowing that it won’t ALWAYS be me making the spectacle.

    have a great time at disney!
  3. Holly B

    Ive always wondered why anyone would pick that particular specialty of medicine. That and Proctology. Asshole and Vajayjays?? And you just know ….. not ALL of them are Summer’s Eve Fresh. bleck.

  4. EH Shuba

    hey holly, i know what you mean.  i’m always so tempted tp ask her how she got in the giner business…but i guess i lost that chance when i was publicly rude to her…

    i did have a friend who was a receptionist at an ob/gyn office.  she had some wicked stories…people losing their tampons…..i can’t imagine
  5. Dushie

    I’m with her…filter schmilter.

  6. Dushie

    (hand raised) Ehem….you now personally know a girl who needed a tampon extraction. Lucky you.

  7. EH Shuba

    oh dushie! my bgv might need to teach your itty bitty vahaha a lesson or two.

  8. EH Shuba

  9. Donald Draper

    Well Holly,

    I cannot imagine a more nobler calling then tending to the fertile fields from whence life came or will be coming. Healing the mom, sister, wife….. nurturing the nurturer.

    Easch woman a canvass with a story to be told – maybe its part calling and part worshiping that glorious porthole into humanity.

  10. Donald Draper

    Hmmm as my Rabbi starts off every thought – dietary restrictions aside……. staring at “cooch all day”..thats a funny way to put it. well some folks simply lay back and think about it all day.(not I)

  11. Ellen Finger

    Okay, I seriously don’t understand how you can lose a tampon. My “parts” don’t have secret caverns where a damp wad of cotton can hide – I’m like BGV girl over there. I can’t use the nuva ring brand of contraception because it comes out every time something ELSE is inserted in there. (For a visual, think about how you toss a ring on the big stick at carnivals…) So I’m going to need some details, C.

  12. Margaret

    Holy wow, this is TOTALLY something I would do.

  13. The Donald

    “Ellen Finger” I am new in town but I do see the humor of you commenting on this topic and providing a visual centered around “insertion”

  14. EH Shuba

    thanks maggie. welcome to the carnival

  15. EH Shuba

    you’re fired!

  16. JenB

    Always. You always have these great stories. I’d love to say I envy you, but not this time chica. Since I can assume that I also know this person, I find this all doubly amusing. She was recommended to me by several people, but I was like, nah, don’t want to have to make polite coversation with someone who touches me “there”. Although there are two female ob/gyns now that I think of it. One is married to another ob/gyn. The other is not. Dammit. Now I don’t know who you’re talking about.

  17. EH Shuba

    ha! i’ll never tell

  18. Donald Draper

    I have not had this much “coochie” since I started at Sterling Cooper.

  19. crystal

    OMG, too funny. also being a classy bitch, I think i would have switched gyms and OB’s and my kids’ school and maybe states. you’re a very mature stirrer.

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