one of my favorite numbers from one of my favorite shows is “I miss the mountains” from Next To Normal. the show is about the struggles of a family dealing with death and mental illness. but the song is one that i think all mothers of daughters can understand. that flash of envy as you see the baby you have helped groom into a young woman. knowing that the world is just opening up to her. that she can “fly free and fast” but your “wild days have passed.” the place of near voyeurism is new to me. i have never paid enough attention to others while i was in my own moment to notice what they were doing. now i stand on the side walk as she crosses the street. biting my tongue against the urge to tell her to look both ways. or to stay on the path. or to not take candy from strangers. or to stay away from boys who seem too cool. or to stand up straight…but not so straight that men aren’t looking her in the eye.
i’m really happy with my life. of what i have accomplished. of the person i have grown to be. i just want to be her shadow for the next five years. not so much to protect her as to see how she will choose when faced with cross roads. and mean friends. and heart break. and giggling til she almost pees herself. i feel like the book we have written together is coming to a close. if i could just stop my self from reading. maybe just slow things down it won’t end so soon.