We love to soothe ourselves by saying that everything happens for a reason. I suppose it is the same as saying that it is in God’s hands. I mean to have this tragedy push me to do real work in my world. I refuse to wait and see what the plan is. I find little comfort in what may be the reason.
I will not dwell in the place of should haves. I will strive to find a way to do better.
To love the girls most effected in this horribleness as best I can. Knowing that she will never be replaced in their hearts, I will do what I can to keep the memory of her wonderful laugh in all of our ears.
It has been so very wonderful to hear from friends who remember us together. Our banter. Our silliness. Together we were always quite pleased with ourselves.
Before jotter girl, she was wink at me. Before that she was my dushi. A word she learned after spending a chunk of time in the Bahamas. It means sweetheart. We had both been burned in friendships with women. Yet as two Scorpio girls, we love labels. To make our friendship something different from those losses, she danced around calling me her best friend. So dushi I became. And she mine.
I think our differences are what would have made our friendship endure. That we had things to learn from one another. I hope she learned that there is a good time to share your introvert’s monologue. I know I learned that just because everyone comes to my extrovert party doesn’t mean they want to play pin the tail on the donkey. I hope she would have learned that you can bend before you break. My work will be to understand the balance between my force in this bending and ownness in the process. That my job may not always be to catch those I love when I’ve bent them to break. That sometimes, as difficult as it may be for me, I must wait for them to tell me what they need from me.
Shit! That’s going to be really hard.
I must learn the art of “I am here when you need me.” Divorced of the prodding, “do you need me yet…do you need me yet…how about now?”
I am the lab puppy to the regal Ivy.
I will indeed miss you Catherine. I thank you for the gift of your friendship and your part in teaching me this lesson.