i'm doing my very best

so, since i have already divulged that i was a pot smoking bath house patron and you’re still here, i guess this must be the real thing.  unless you are my mother, in which case, this has been a week of pure fiction and you look really pretty today (big cheesy grin).  that brings me to the subject of mothers.  

i am one, this never ceases to amaze me.  when sliding across the hard wood floors in my socks, i find myself thing, oh the poor kids.  closely followed by a big giggle because i can’t even imagine my mother being so silly.  i just hope that my kids will grow up knowing how great i think they are and grant me absolution for being such a goofball.  the bug adores me as a boy is supposed to.  the goose vacillates between detestation and adoration in the blink of an eye, so i think i’m doing this right.  yet, every once in a while i’ll say something like, oh just get in the shower, the spider’s not going to hurt you.  if you don’t get in the shower right now, i’m going to make you wash your hair in the toilet.  then i howl at the ridiculousness as she shrieks in horror. 

 i wonder what their childhood will look like to them as adults.  i can only hope that they will remember the good times.  i’m sad that they probably won’t remember when i was a really good mommy.  you know, back when they were newborns and toddlers and it was easier.  taking care of babies came so naturally me.  i was so capable of knowing and meeting their needs.  i was so in control.  now they are people.  i fear it’s going to get much harder before it gets easier.  

i hope i’m romanticizing the past but it feels like i now go to sleep thinking of what i could have done differently everyday in a way that i never needed to when they were small.  the goose sat on my lap (the bug won’t in public anymore) and she was dripping off of me in every direction.  how did this big person ever fit inside my little self? it then occurs to me that kids don’t just grow up, they grow away from their parents.   i don’t remember being so worried about keeping them safe when they were little, now sometimes it consumes me.  

when i was a teenager, i would fault my mother for all of the wrongs in my life.  i remember she would say i did my best.  it used to infuriate me. in my egocentric teenage head i thought, oh, so that excuses you being a crappy parent (she wasn’t…i knew it then too.).  now i realize, that that’s really all we can do as parents.  we just do our best.  

i don’t celebrate hallmark holidays. but i do think mothers (and fathers) deserve to know that their best was good enough. 

so, happy mother’s day. i know you did your best and i’m proud of you,

e

2 responses to “i'm doing my very best”

  1. Virgil

    What the heck is all this intro/retro spection!!!! Where is it stemming from??

    Did you spot that little diddy from Max Ehrmann…. Go placidly amidst the noise and haste……..

    I am the parent – that all the mom’s say – well if Mr V is going to take you to the movies then yes you cal all go……twelve kids and me! they have bestowed their children to and as a fiduciary of sorts – They are certain – that I will provide good care…… hmm well they get plenty of candy, popcorn and soda (even though these kids were sent with water and fruit roll-ups)…… and we have a mutual understanding unless there is a loss of limb I will be in the theater across the hall….. watching R-Rated fare – which BTW would be fine for MY kids but I wont push it…………..

    What about a trip to the mall with 12 girls in tow – not a one would go unless Mr V was driver and escort as I am the coolest – or maybe it could be that they would all get $10 bux to keep their mouths shut while I whacked balls at the driving range up the road – and no call or texts as they may interrupt me on my downswing.

    I am not sure if I am good or bad and I dont think about doing my best. Or maybe I do think about doing my BEST.

    I grew up in the days without airbags and seat belts and house without second hand smoke – well we would not associate with “those” people. WIne??? nope Rob Roys, Mai Tais and Slow Gin Fizzes.

    We had our Don Drapers and we even had our Bettys our too. I am not sure whom was better off – I mean I would walk out the door at 7am and back in at 7pm – no questions were asked – if I was lucky I could watch Sonny and Cher, Captain and Tennile or even All in the Family on a warm Saturday evening.

    I probably miss the sixties, seventies hmm no way – eighties well I was in college and well why not – but after that well actually – I am too busy planning my “tomorrows” to actually have to too look back and get waxy. Come on Shubes not you….. why even when am 105 (and yes I am planning on being alive that long) I think I will still be planning more tomorrows than looking back at Yesterdays.

  2. EH Shuba

    hey there mr v. i have the tendency to get melancholy when the seasons change.  i don’t worry for my kids’ safety at home, the world is a scary place.  the goose’s friends think i’m the greatest…she just roles her eyes.

    i’m usually a forward looking person, but looking back helps you to see where you have been and what you have learned.  no bucket list would exist without a little introspection.  course i completed my bucket list before i could drive…but who’s counting

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