i’m just waiting on a friend

i learned last night that even if you have stopped wishing for it…good things can come.  that heart ache that is so desperately painful that you tuck it away in the dark recesses of your heart so it doesn’t hurt so much to breathe.  over time you learn to not long for what is out of your power to receive.  you learn to carry on, not forgetting, but not pulling the hurt out as often to look at it.  to feel it as it sticks in your throat when you hear a song.  you begin to heal.  when you have loved someone i don’t believe you ever stop.  you just learn to live with the changes that have come in the relationship.  we’ve all been there.  it could be who you thought was the love of your life, your partner, your mate.  it could just as easily be a friend.  some one that you feel a deep and immediate love for.  a friend that is easy. one that doesn’t judge.  doesn’t really take more than they are willing to give.  that kind of love can hurt just as much when it is lost or when the relationship changes.  on the outside we go on, because as an adult it isn’t tolerated to be heart sick for a friend.  it might be mistaken for a misplaced sense of possession.  as a grown woman you are supposed to know that our lives change and with it sometimes change our relationships.  on the inside, it hurts as much as it would have when you were 12.  it’s a tricky place.  a trickier place when you share friends and need to pretend that all is well.  eventually you pretend for long enough that you begin to believe that you are fine, or that you are on your way to being so.

i’m a cards on the table kind of girl.  if i’m confused or hurt i’m gonna put it out there in the hopes that together we can work through it.  i understand that a) all people aren’t this way and b)not everyone comes to a place of understanding at the same time.

sometimes, if you don’t burn bridges.  if you don’t say hurtful things to ease your own pain.  sometimes if you let a person come around to it on their own time, you might just get what you hoped for all along.  it might not mean that the relationship will be the same again.  that’s really ok.  but, what might end up happening is that the person you loved so dearly might just say i know i hurt you.  there don’t need to be promises made of what will be.  no need for raking up history.  just the satisfaction that you are not crazy.  that it was a great friendship and something changed.  something changed and if you are open, it could all change again.  a knowledge that if it stays the same that you have been validated.

thanks,

e

6 responses to “i’m just waiting on a friend”

  1. Dushie

    Well said my dear.

  2. Holly B

    Very wise and and very well said.

  3. Kim

    As someone who has been on the giving and receiving end, I can honestly say you’ve hit the nail on the head with this. When I figured out that I had hurt a dear friend of mine several years ago I effused the following…please forgive me, I really f**** up, I’m sorry, I love you, and I have no excuse. Please take me back. Lucky for me, she gave me a second chance and we’re stronger than ever before.

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