in most things i am prideful. not in a seven sins kinda way. in an appreciative way. one where i realize not only that i know on what side my bread is buttered, but how deeply the schmeer is spread.
my pride in my strength, or maybe it is just my perception of strength, has failed me here. i say i am not a crier. i say it with pride, but really i may have just not been feeling. sometimes a sorrow unfelt is a sorrow unacknowledged. sometimes not looking at the sadness is not looking in the mirror. or not looking over your shoulder. or not really owning up to the importance of the people you love. it’ll get you to cope. it’ll let you ride. it’ll let the storm pass. but, that heaviness will never dissipate.
a life time of doing it wrong but trying to be right has left me drowning. i’m sure i will learn to swim in this time of sorrow. in the meantime, i am gasping for breaths and swallowing the mass of sadness that i can no longer tuck away in safety. each time i try for cleansing breath it catches in my throat. my stomach lurches in rebellion. this is not familiar territory. this is not safety. but i have run long enough and the levee could no longer hold back the weight. as in all things, my honesty may…ok will be hard to stomach, but know that my apology is heartfelt.
i am here, i am fine, but i am so tired of running. as was my fear in feeling you, sorrow, i can not turn it off. bear with me. look for the sign that says out of order. for never have truer words been spoken.
“and at once i knew, i was not magnificent.” ~justin vernon
it hits me every time, because i know he tells the truth.E