Some nights all of the patience in the world won’t bring sleep. You can’t muscle yourself into it. Sleep has to find you. Like the perfect peach in a bag of maybes. Some nights it’s like stepping into the sun. You can feel it before you know it’s there. Like that ultimate beach day where there is just enough of a breeze to keep the beads from forming on your upper lip…and everywhere else. Some nights sleep has found the perfect nook in hide and seek. Like the child that was never found.
I have never found sleep easily. I can remember counting back from a hundred as a very little girl. Opening my eyes every so often. Noticing that the numbers on my clock were becoming distorted. That my depth perception, when looking at my own hand, had become all screwy. Obviously there was a part of me dreadfully tired. Yet, I couldn’t turn my brain off.
Not much has changed since then. Now I have a little help in finding sleep. Be it tablets or a silky glass burgundy deliciousness. Some nights I manage to make it through to a reasonable hour. Then there are the other nights. The ones where it occurs to me that I haven’t found what I am looking for. That the soft breathing I hear isn’t mine but his. I beg my eyes to stay closed. Don’t look at the clock. It can’t be good. I’d know it if I had found the golden ticket. Don’t you dare roll over. Ok fine, roll over, but you better not open your eyes and look at those black numbers backlit in obtrusive orange. Seriously don’t do it…..
Not early enough to rationalize staying in bed. Not late enough to pep talk yourself into embracing the day.
Coffee, copious amounts of coffee.
Sit on it 3:04. The next time I see you, there better be a PM at the end of your name……bitchE