just call me the queen of half right

    so, have you ever heard someone singing along with a song, but they have the lyrics wrong?  welcome to my life.  i have the keen ability to remember trivial things like my life depended on it.  yet, i routinely get lost going to friends house’s that i have been to before a million times.  i believe GPS was developed for me alone.  I can remember the record label of most of by favorite bands, but can only keep one day’s worth of activities straight at a time.  if someone asks what i’m doing tomorrow, they should be prepared for a full on deer in head lights stare.  it’s just another reason i would be lost with out my phone.  it’s like a seeing eye dog for the f-tard set.

     speaking of being an f-tard who can’t get things right, check this out.  i was getting a facial (i know so glamorous.  it’s how we kept woman kill the time.  that and watching our stories while eating bon bons).  the lady put this stuff on my eyes and left the room and told me to lie there and not to open my eyes until they felt tight.  evidently she was putting something on them that would hurt if it got on my eyes.  we can send a man to the moon, but can’t come up with a method of keeping eyes youthful and firm with out the risk of going blind….but i digress.
     so, she leaves the room and thirty seconds later i peek one eye open slowly.  no burning sensation.  so i figure, i’m a 1 percenter.  this stuff can’t hurt me.  time to mult-task.  so i reach for my phone.  no big feat because it was under the blanket right beside me.  kept there under the ruse that the school may call and i NEED to be reached. uh, yeah load of crap.  these kids have a father too.  this facial is all about me.  sorry, back on track.  so i don’t want to push the envelope.  i open my eyes.  but i only do it enough so i can see some light and a small line of my surroundings.  picture what you would do as a kid when you heard your parents come into your room while you were supposed to be sleeping.  long eyelashes acting as camouflage for peeping peepers.  cause, you know, i’m the mcguyver of multi-tasking so i’m gonna get it done.  or i’m an itch who can’t sit still for the proscribed 10 minutes it takes for that goop to dry.  i’m going with mcguyver, but whatever.  because i need to be informed, i head right for face book.  only, because my vision is relegated to a millimeter strip i’m having trouble navigating through the apps.  this is how i ended up in the change language section.  ok sure, i’m a risk taker bring it on.  let’s go with korean. sure why not.  maybe i’ll broaden my horizons.
     or….maybe i will not be able to read a stinking thing on my phone rendering it unless. i felt panicked and like a major goof ball.  until i went online to try to fix it and found a whole chat thread on how one goes about repairing such idiocy. ho hum! it’s my cross to bear.
idle hands are the f-tard’s playground.
thanks,
e

5 responses to “just call me the queen of half right”

  1. Dushie

    Dushie here…
    Its all becoming clearer now. Didn’t realize you had a seeing eye phone. I will be making a donation to the Guide Phone Foundation today in your name.

  2. EH Shuba

    i’m trying to figure out if i can get one of those things that hang off of your rear view mirror, so i can park closer.

  3. EH Shuba

    f-tards need your help too

  4. GlowingEyedDevil

    I laughed out loud while reading this, picturing the whole episode. Sorry about your phone. Hope your eyes are okay.

    LOVE your statement “watching our stories while eating bon-bons”…I often complain that I don’t have enough time to watch my stories, and wonder if said bon-bons actually exist.

  5. EH Shuba

    thanks devil eyes.

    they do exist.  i’ll get you a box.  for me they are actually gummi bears

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