It’s funny how your expectations of things can be so far off. There is a point in life where you have been traveling at the same speed in the same direction for so long, that you begin to assume that this is what forever will feel like.
Life doesn’t recognize these expectations. Life is one big curve ball waiting in the wings.
I am the problem child. In my life, in my family, that is the roll I play. I’m cool with it. In explaining life lessons to my kids there are never too many words. I rely on others to tell me when I’ve gone too far. The result of my own level of depth being bottomless. That is not to say that I am deep, but that I am more comfortable knowing where someone stands than having to guess. Conversely, I probably say more than people would like to hear in an effort to be understood. It’s a lovely little cocktail. By that I mean I end up drunk and I the people around me want to call me a cab to get me the hell out of their bar.
It is from this place of self awareness that I have been surprised. That despite myself, in a time of need, I am not alone. That though I know I can be sandpaper, people have rushed to put their arms around me. To hug me tightly. To stop the heaving in my chest. Or letting the heaving come. Whatever the day has called for. Mostly, to make sure I know that I am not alone. That this broad shouldered, thick skinned, able woman has the freedom to fall apart because there are those that will keep the train moving for her.
I have never been able to breathe so deeply in the face of a steep climb as in this moment.
I thank you. I thank you all for knowing what’s been needed without being told. For checking in when there was no way you could have known that I was at a low. Mostly, for giving.
My heart is full. I can only hope to return the favor. Know that this elephant will never forget.