I woke this morning, as i do every week day, before the sun. i let the pooches out of their crates and made my way slowly down the stairs. this old girl isn’t quick and spry in the early morning anymore. Juju our old pup goes down the steps at my same pace. usually i get everyone out the door then go turn off the alarm. this morning i got the younger two out the door no problem. Juju was staring at the side table in the living room as if it was the door and she was waiting for me to open it. she’s deaf too, so no amount of verbal correction could make her see the error of her ways. out of necessity, i dragged her by her collar to the lead and gave her a gentle tap out the door. all the while, i could hear the ding ding ding of the burglar alarm getting faster. signaling that i was running out of time to turn it off. of course, if you’re me, the faster you try to get somewhere when you are panicked, the more stuff you run into. the key pad was not my friend. i managed to get it right on the third try. just in time.
after i slowed my heart rate down, i had one thought. that my adrenaline rush was an organic reaction to a stressor. that our bodies react internally to the things we hear and see externally. what must it have been like to be a mother of a kindergardener on december 14th in Connecticut. all of those same metabolic reactions coupled with desperation. a need to have your child in your arms.
my calm came from accurately punching four numbers into a key pad. there will be no calm for them for sometime. maybe never.
my choice is to allow them to find their way without my prying eyes. for as much as i put out there in this forum, there are no eyes on me when i am in the depths of darkness. i wouldn’t want my face immortalized at the moment of my greatest despair. i honor them by looking away when others choose differently. i can feel deeply for those mothers and fathers who have lost their precious babies without knowing their names. i can feel for them and wish peace for them without seeing their faces. plastering this story all over the place feels dirty to me. voyeuristic in a way i would rather not participate. i believe that changes can be made. good can come from bad without making this awful day about me. i stand by an earlier comment about the spectacle turning us into rubberneckers.
in a world where there is less and less privacy , i choose to avert my eyes. not for myself but for them.E