Nothing is quite as shattering as maternal guilt. I have bee sick since before christmas and am just worn out. This translates into me looking at the alarm a cussing (that part is normal) then getting up only to tell the goose that I am wiped out. With puppy dog eyes imploring her to get her self off to school. She’s 14, I know she can care for herself, but my window of providing in that way for her is closing. WAY faster than I can allow myself to own. I’ve stopped looking forward as often as I can because she and the bug will be gone before I know it. This morning, not only did I fail to even greet the goose and send her on her way, I didn’t stir until it was time to get the bug on the bus. Stubby hubs hunk and I went downstairs to find him putting his coat on, ready to face the day. I thought for sure I was going to have to take him to school. Nope, he up proudly announced that he had had breakfast and made his lunch. “I don’t blame you daddy, you had a late game last night”,he says. Turn the dagger already piercing my tender heart. I have no excuse. I’m just healing from illness. Sleeping away the last moments of motherhood. Or this part of motherhood anyway. In typical bug fashion, he placated me. “It’s ok mommy, I know you aren’t well.” Another turn In my heart! even though I will flog myself for the rest of the day, as is my way, i know life is made up of many opportunities. I failed today. I will make them a dinner that whey will love and I will do better tomorrow.
Hopefully when stubs and I are left to our own lives, our children will remember the good dinners, the cuddles, the mornings that I did get up. You know, the days I got it right.
Hopefully they can forgive me more easily than I can myself. A mother’s guilt can feel like a punch to the gut. This mother won’t get stuck on the ropes. We have to dance dip and weave. Even if we are only fighting ourselves.E