The microcosm of an airplane is always rife with possibility for great story telling. Since I am a goofball, you get this instead.
I find myself seated in the isle seat in a row of three. Yippee! Not that I need the leg room, but trying to “be small” is hard work on a long flight so I’m happy to have an end. The window seat goes to a sweet fresh faced twenty year old blonde. The hump is bestowed upon a smiling man I believe to be Persian or maybe Egyptian. He seems to be having trouble getting his belt fastened around him. I do my best flight attendant impression, giving him the visual.
Enter the amazons. Never before have I seen such tall woman in uniform. I assure you, unlike the actual amazons, these ladies had both boobs. I can attest to this because I had a couple of them in my face throughout the flight. One amazon was Swedish and the other was a New Zealander. On delta flights they wear the wrap dress uniforms. This some how made the look taller and definitely more curvy. Which I guess I don’t understand since they don’t work for tips.
The kiwi has a booming voice. She dresses down a Chinese woman near the front of coach for being ridiculous enough to attempt to put her roller bag under her seat. “that’s a no no”, she belts out. She proceeds to walk down the isle shaking her head and talking to no one in particular about how foolish the woman in 11a is for such an attempt. I take a quick look at my bag to make sure I won’t receive the same ridicule. Then it occurs to me just how silly this whole thing is and I start giggling. I look over at my seat mates and shake my finger and in mockery repeating, “that’s a no no.”
And it begins. It’s as if the amazons have been put on this 3 hour flight instead of a movie for our enjoyment. And enjoy it we shall.
I watch the Swede as she walks past me. She is wearing blue kitten heels that seem a size and a half too big for her feet. She clop clops past in a strut that is more of a shuffle and a wobble. Just as I’m beginning to wonder how the swede, who probably wears a size 11, was able to find a shoe too big, the kiwi comes through with our snack.
All bets are off. We have thrown decorum to the wind and are now cackling at her attempt to be accommodating.
“HIYA!” she shouts to the first row. More of a, you WILL have a snack than a, what may I get for you. We hear her again and again go down the list of options.
“would you like nuts? What about a cookie? No, we only have one kind of cookie (you idiot). What kind of cookie (what does it matter? You either want something sweet or salty!) it’s like a biscotti (she pronounces it biscot).
When she reaches our isle our faces are tear streaked and blotchy. We try to hold it together long enough to place our orders.
As the smart ass that I enjoy being, I ask her to tell me about the “biscot”.
She raises a singular eyebrow in warning.
“um, ok, are the nuts salty?” she taps her foot in mock patience.
” nuts cookie, nuts cookie…..I’ll just have a water please.” she is not amused.
My seat mates, however, have suddenly found something VERY interesting out the window.
The rest of the flight is uneventful. As we prepare to to deplane I realize that I should probably run past the amazons for fear of retaliation.
“HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!!” is the arrow in my back.