we've reached the middle place

so, my dear friends A & M lost their mother yesterday. A is married to M, but they have known each other since they were in grade school.  M’s mom became a second mother to A.  mrs. R fought a long hard battle with cancer.  the last couple of months were the most difficult.  she seemed to disappear before their very eyes, and A was there every step of the way.  they got to say all of the things that they felt and wished for each other.  they thought they would be ready…you are never ready to lose a parent.  of course when you see your friends going through this you think of your own parents. in the eloquent words of kelly corrigan we have reached The Middle Place.

if you haven’t read her book, you should.  it speaks to the time in our lives when we are both parents and children.  sometimes the line gets blurred when you have an ill parent and you become the care taker.  i lost both of my grandmothers when they were the same age as my parents are now.  the hard thing is, i really just started to like my parents within the last couple of years.  i was a fiercely independent kid, who didn’t need to be hugged as much as my mother would have liked. her personality was such that she didn’t make me.  she just got sad and that sadness turned to resentment.  i wasn’t (still not really, writing is different) a kid who talked about their feelings.  i was a loner (still am).  my mother wasn’t sure how to love me.  i felt that and it hurt that she couldn’t love my just the way that i was.  life is an ever changing page though.  we’ve grown.  we’ve learned how to apologize without it feeling like a loss.  my father just wasn’t that great with kids.  he’ll be the first to admit it now, after much introspection.  when he made his first declaration of this fact (i say first because now that they are getting older, they repeat them selves…a lot) i looked at my youngest brother “buddy” and we both said “really, huh shocking”.  sarcasm is the way we communicate in my family.  it’s a finely honed art, so don’t judge.  some people paint, we smack you around with words, and it’s FUN!  back to dad, he laughs now, he is a lighter person, and because of this we all are more relaxed.  so, yeah, i’m not ready to lose my parents and i know i never will be. 

thanks, and if it’s not too much trouble send some loving thoughts to my friends whose hearts are broken,

e

4 responses to “we've reached the middle place”

  1. jen

    “…when he made his first declaration of this fact (i say first because now that they are getting older, they repeat them selves…a lot) …”

    snicker! sweetness within the introspection. keep writing, E!

  2. EH Shuba

    thanks so much jen!  you always have the most thoughtful comments

  3. abby

    Dear A & M,

    My heartfelt condolences. I have been there myself, and even after almost 5 years, it doesn’t become easier just different.

    To travel with someone you love on the battle against cancer is a nightmare. It’s hard to balance the misery that you had to watch her endure with the love and strength that she fought with.

    In my case, although I miss my mom everyday, her love and sense of humor lives on through me. And even though only 1 of my 3 boys really remembers their grandma, if I do my job correctly all will get to know parts of her through me.

    I’m sure that you will find the same thing. You’ll see parts of your mom living through you. It will make you smile inside, and then probably make you cry a little. Hold on to the smiles.

  4. EH Shuba

    oh abby, how sweetly put.  thanks for giving them the view of this place down the road.

    xxx

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