on this rainy fall thursday i am made to think of a time long ago. i was maybe three. it was the year that my cousin mary, broke her collar bone. she and her mother came to our apartment on lemon st. i can still vividly picture her coming up the steep steps in her bright yellow rain slicker awkwardly fitting over her arm in a sling. i can remember the clean smell that the rain can have. and the chill that somehow can be cozy. i remember the feeling that i couldn’t describe then but now would call contentedness. that warmth that seems to start at your toes and work it’s way up. until you have no choice but to allow the beaming smile to spread across your face.
on this rainy day my life looks a lot different. i had to get up before the sun. because she asked so nicely, i drove the goose to the bus stop. because he is a sweet boy, i will do the same for the bug. today will be filled with work, and laundry, and making beds, and making dinner. yet, as i sit here writing at my desk, waiting to hear the beeping of the washing machine, i am feeling that tingling in my feet. it’s working it’s way up to my middle and i know before too long i will be grinning from ear to ear like i have a secret.
i suppose i do.
shhh, i’ll tell if you want.
i learned something today. i learned to be happy just where i am. on the eve of the goose’s first school dance which fills me with so many mixed feelings, i will find a honest reason to smile. though i feel part of my heart breaking, i will choose to let the smile roll up from my toes. happiness is a choice. maybe not when you are three when there is far less that could trouble you. but now as a “grown up”, i choose to find the silver lining. today, i smile because i feel safe. i smile because i feel love. i smile because i can still remember what it is to be three and be in my puffy blue cloud dress that my grandmother got me, knowing there was no where i would have to wear it.
being that three year old looking down the steps at my cousin in her yellow slicker on a rainy fall day.E