you gotta know when to hold 'em

     ok, so i am going to tell this story for a couple of reasons. one being that i am unitarian (somewhere a pack of angry unitarians is gathering to get me out of the book.) and we don’t do the lent thing so it’s my chanse to self sacrifice. i could never deny myself food because i am far too obsessive and would end up needing to be hospitalized for over indulging on the one thing i promised to give up.  another reason is that i have been feeling really good about myself lately and need to balance the karma before it gets balanced for me.  finally it’s just a really funny story.       i do apologize for any of those of you who have met me and shared a couple of glasses of wine, because you will have already heard this.  yeah i can’t keep anybody’s secret when i’ve had a few glasses of the stuff.  the good news is i never remember what i’ve told people.  the bad news is everybody else seems too.  

    so i play soccer.  don’t pat me on the back yet.  it’s old lady soccer and my team is the worst one out there.  we are getting better but that doesn’t really have anything to do with this story.  i had been playing with this team for a couple of months.  let’s just say to look at me(for good or bad) i make an impression.  i have both arms sleeved in tattoos.  this is important for later.  i put on a pair of soccer shorts to go to my game.  they weren’t my favorite but as usual i needed to do laundry so they would have to do. also an important detail for the calamity. so this is indoor soccer.  there are no places to hide and at the half it becomes apparent that i am having technical difficulties.  i am dangerously close to having a wardrobe malfunction.  so i stand behind our bench and try to rectify the situation.  i should have just gone to the bathroom, but i’m not that bright.  so the whistle blows and i’m back on the field nothing has been resolved, but i’m still  running around like a fool none the less.  simultaiously,  i notice that all is well with me AND our goalie yells. “there’s a feminine hygiene product on the field.  i turn to look.  and holy balls i dropped a tampon on the field.  lets just say it fell out of my pocket…the pink one…in the middle…i know totally gross. so girls are yelling and the poor ref has no clue what’s going on.  i yell there’s a mouse on the field and run over and pick it up and take it to the trash can.  so i know i will need to hang my head in shame.  there is no way that any of these girls are going to forget this and they are going to tell other girls on other teams and i’m the girl with tattoos who also dropped a tampon on the field.  i’m mortified.  the game ends and we’re on the bench getting our stuff together.  they’re asking me questions like don’t you wear underwear?  i don’t get how that happened.  finally i just shout BIG GAPING VAGINA.  

i get home and the husband asks from partial sleep how the game was.  i said i dropped a tampon on the field.  to which he said that’s a good one for your diary.

the next morning he says i’m just making sure i heard you right…you said you dropped ….YES i yell before he can get the rest out.  how did that happen he asks. 

to which i respond BIG GAPING VAGINA (like he doesn’t know)

yeah suddenly my charmed life isn’t looking so good huh,

e

21 responses to “you gotta know when to hold 'em”

  1. jen B

    You never cease to amaze me!! I just can’t stop laughing. It took some serious balls to go pick it up. I’m afraid I would have pretended I didn’t do it.

  2. EH Shuba

    aw thanks jen

    the footnote is that the other teams thought i was this tough broad who bravely picked up someone else thingy.  i didn’t realize until i played with some other girls that they didn’t know it was mine…..phew

  3. Dushie

    Um, I believe I was the one who saw it actually flying out…..ok, dropping. I don’t think many people can say they witnessed what I saw that day. We have shared many a laugh over that little wad of cotton. I am hereby renaming all my tampons Topo Gigio.

  4. EH Shuba

    and this my dushie is why i love you

  5. Jill D

    This incident really scared me. I would opt to wear a diaper over a ‘tampoon’ (as my friend’s 9 y/o once called them) on the pitch.

  6. Annie

    Still one of the funniest moments ever.

  7. EH Shuba

    certainly win most memorable! thanks annie

  8. EH Shuba

    it’s def. a reason for wearing shorts with a liner. i assure you i won’t make that mistake again.  every time i see the non-liner shorts in my draw i can’t help but shudder

  9. Judes

    I dont care how many times I hear it, it is too funny not to share !!

  10. Kristin

    Holy shit I needed that laugh. That was so great my eyes are still watery. Thank you and have a great weekend!

  11. EH Shuba

    thanks K! i do it cause i can

  12. EH Shuba

    thanks new gran!

  13. Jill

    Can you wear your skirt for playoffs- with something really distracting underneath? Like panties with big boobie graphics? Or “kiss this” screenprinted on the ass?

  14. Jill

    Or “Look out beloooooow!”

  15. EH Shuba

    my dad said i should just bring a bunch and sprinkle the pitch with them….flower girl style

  16. JEM

    classic to the point of maybe one of the best i’ve heard. amazing. love you because you don’t take yourself too seriously. that’s a great quality Beth.
    I like to think i can laugh at myself too, and in fact i do…which oft times horrifies those around me. eh, fuck em.

  17. EH Shuba

    thanks jem!  my first inclination was to yell, “did i do that?” (erkle style).

    oh yeah, i def. know the look of horrified.  wait till you get it from your precious bunnies….most fun ever
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